i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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