All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
