...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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