Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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