My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
