In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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