wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
