Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
