JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
