Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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