i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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