the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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