Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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