So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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