I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
