I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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