At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
