WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
