He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
