Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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