Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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