Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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