I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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