so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
