i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
All the doctor said was why
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
