even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
