Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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