??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
