the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
