he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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