Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
