Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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