she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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