checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
