The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize