Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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