I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
