i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
