How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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