I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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