if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
