i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
