Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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