Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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