I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I need to align my fucking chakras
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
