I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
