I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
