this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
