I accidentally burped into my bong.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
