Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
