Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
