A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize