my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He has the fingertips of a God
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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