If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
