you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
