Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
