Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
