probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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