You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
