I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
and you fell through a lawn chair
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
